ACSH Presents: An 'Interview' With Michael Balter

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We at ASCH are honored to be included a very prestigious group of scientists, such as Kevin Folta, Geoffrey Kabat, and Jon Entine; we were just attacked by a far less prestigious journalist named Michael Balter. But I am a bit puzzled about the non-stop animus being directed at us, and other science-based groups, by Michael Balter, a self-proclaimed Socialist who never misses a chance to use the term "industry front groups" regardless of the topic in question. 


Balter did so once again yesterday, and just for laughs, called us stooges as well. Here's his Tweet:

So I'm thinking that life is just too short for such disharmony, and perhaps this animus is just the result of a simple misunderstanding - one that could be remedied by a heart to heart. I think it went pretty well: 

JB: Michael, Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I apologize for my voice. I've had a nasty cold.

MB: That's not a cold. It's nose cancer. From breathing glyphosate.


JB: I've never heard of the connection. How do you know that?

MB: Read it in Mother Jones. There is no such thing as a cold. It's all nose cancer - a plot by the heinous pharmaceutical industry so it could sell its deadly decongestants to Americans who think they have a cold. Take it from me - there are no colds. If you're a nose cancer denier than you're a Trump supporter.


JB: Interesting theory. Will you tell our readers about your scientific training?

MB: No.


JB: Any particular reason?

MB: I don't talk to nose cancer deniers.


JB: OK, let's try something less controversial. Do you like my tie?

MB: No, I hate it.


JB: But I'm not wearing a tie. 

MB: Glyphosate also causes eye cancer. I guess I caught it. No big deal. My naturopath will rub some dung beetle salve on it and I'll once again be able to read the writings of Mao in no time.


JB: It isn't much of a stretch to conclude that you aren't a big fan of ACSH. Can you explain why?

MB: I ate a waffle today. 


JB: That's highly informative, but it doesn't really answer my question. 

MB: You're right. It was yesterday.


JB: Would it surprise you to know I too am fond of waffles?

MB: With all the Monsanto money that pours into this office it's not surprising you can afford a waffle.


JB: But Michael, we can't afford an office. Didn't you notice that we're in the subway men's room?

MB: I still smell the stench of corporate money.


JB: I don't want to argue with you, but I think you're smelling that dead guy under the sink.

MB: Maybe I ate that waffle the day before. 


JB: I don't want to take up any more of your valuable time. I must say that you are even more engaging in person than on Twitter. Do you have any final words?

MB: I just noticed that you look like Lucille Ball. 

JB: So I've been told.


Disclaimer: Anyone with a double-digit IQ will know that that was satire, not a real interview. You know who you are.