On The Fourth Day Of Christmas, ACSH Gave To Me ... Four Science Quacks

'Twas 9 days 'til Christmas and all through this joint
The accountant was asking again, "What's the point?
Anti-science hippies are running amok
Real science takes too much money, we're fresh out of luck

"The cash is in doomsday, gloom and despair
Yes, we're pro-science, yes, it's not fair
But the public has spoken, their interest is small
That's how the free market works, after all

"Maybe shade tree, holistic or BPA-free
That might get presents under our tree
Endorse more organic, enjoy a juice cleanse
Say vaccines are bad, it could make us new friends"

I felt so dejected, my heart had no glee
I was so mopey I could work at EWG
Or Greenpeace or Fenton or for that Null guy
Maybe I could even run CSPI

Then outside my office I heard such a clatter
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter
The mailman was lugging a large, heavy sack
It looked so darn big I was concerned for his back

He muttered about unions and went back on his way
We tore the bag open without any delay
It was checks, lots of checks, just what I craved!
Josh said 'It's your George Bailey moment, Christmas is saved!'

Big ones and small ones, some had a note
Good luck all were signed, here's what one wrote:
"'Your food is safe' is a terrible hook
And mitochondria don't deserve a whole book
But we like your cheerleading, your wit and your style
So we've decided to let you hang out for a while
Here's lots of money, buy a coffee machine
And perhaps get the office a big trampoline

"Tackle Friends of the Earth and NRDC
Sierra Club too must go, y​​​​​​ou can't do that for free
UCS, Sourcewatch, USRTK
Also, please send that Food Babe back on her way

"It just takes work, efforts bigger and small
Humor, sarcasm and a helping of gall
A passion for science, distaste for deceit
No need for health halos or swearing off meat."

The note made me glad, my spirits were lifted
My heart was renewed at the gifts that were gifted
People don't want quacks, crackpots, hucksters or frauds
Science still has a chance, we can still beat the odds!

I now know the secret, my faith is renewed
We can sanely talk medicine, chemicals and food
We just need more doctors, a skeptical crew
Scientists also, and some help from you

See, there's a recipe for winning, it will ever be so
If you want science bread, please send lots of dough

Three French Fries

Two Killer Coffees

.... and the end of the NRDC.