Bad Vibrations: Better Debug Your Butt Plug AS(S)AP

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Isn't technology wonderful?!?

You no longer have to talk to people who you can't stand; you can just type passive-aggressive things to them. Instead of stopping at toll booths every 50 yards to dig out $6.75 for the privilege of crawling along a few miles on the New Jersey Turnpike, you just keep going! EzPass.... ahhh (1). If you forgot to set your DVR for The Walking Dead, a tragedy by any measure, push a couple of buttons on your phone and it's taken care of. Technology is simply great. Most of the time.

Of course, technology may or may not have anything to do with reality, which becomes immediately apparent should you pay any attention whatsoever to the profoundly annoying Elon Musk. Musk seems to come up with a new and ridiculous prediction or ways to save the world with disturbing regularity and people listen to him because he's filthy rich. (Note to Elon: The idea of Domino's Pizza franchises embedded in the rings of Saturn is probably not as likely to work as you may think. Transportation may be a bit of a problem unless your self-driving car is really awesome. And sustainable hydroponic pepperoni agricuture? Might want to rethink that one as well).

And, with technology comes risk. While you've probably figured out that it is not a good idea to send $5 million to the Nigerian guy, it sure is easy enough to open the wrong email and the next thing you know, all of your friends (in my case, mostly enemies) are on the receiving end of a virus-packed gift from you. And, of course, who can possibly forget the massive data breach at Equifax. It would seem that the company's idea of what constitutes state-of-the-art data security may not be all that impressive: 

Equifax: They have your back. But not your front. 

As if we don't have enough to worry about, now there's worse - a literal pain in the ass. For reasons that can only be imagined (any Freud people out there feel free to weigh in) some genius has figured out how to hack your butt plug, a splendid accomplishment by any measure. I'm speechless. OK, maybe not. 

Before we look between the cracks (sorry) and see what really emerged (again) from this security intrusion (and again), aren't you curious about what kind of person would devote a fair amount of time and gray matter to such an escapade? Because I sure am. Here are three potential candidates, along with some possible explanations which may account for their alleged actions. (Disclaimer: This is mere speculation, which is on par with any paper published by the Environmental Working Group. The chances of any of these individuals actually being the butt plug hacker are vanishingly small. Just like EWGs science capability.)

Can one of these people be the butt plug hacker? Hard to say.

Now that we have that out of the way, let's take a look at the science (2). According to Newsweek, the Hush Butt Plug (pictured below), which is described by its manufacturer as "the world’s first teledildonic butt plug," relies on Bluetooth Low Energy protocol (BLE), which made it susceptible to being hacked. In fact, the whole thing started out as a joke (and not a damn bad one either) by an Italian security researcher named Giovanni Mellini, who wrote up the experiment in a blog post earlier this week. 

The Hush Butt Plug: The world's first teledildonic butt plug. Can there be a market for a second? (Photo: Newsweek)

And you can imagine my shock when I found that this idea isn't even that novel (!) Many sex toys rely upon WiFi and Bluetooth technology, which makes them susceptible to tampering, such as was done with a vibrator in 2016. But Lovense, the manufacturer assured us “[t]here are three layers of security...]"  Three layers? Brown? Ewww. No Mallomars for me in the foreseeable future. 

But just because we have just about completed our descent into Crazyland doesn't mean that there aren't some rules out there. Hell yeah. Raimund Genes, the chief technology officer at Trend Micro, a security provider, makes this supremely clear: “If I hack a vibrator it’s just fun...But if I can get to the back-end, I can blackmail the manufacturer.” Raimiund sure has a strange concept of "fun," and his ethical relativism may need a tune-up as well. 

Well, it's Friday and the Yankees are going for a spot in the Series (3), so I'm outta here. I wish you all a fine, teledildonic weekend. That's the buzz.


(1) Some people believe that the Salk polio vaccine is the greatest invention ever. Others go with the first Apple computer. No way. It's EZPass hands down. Yet there remains a rather substantial sub-group of people who wait in interminable lines to pay cash while the rest of us gleefully whiz by. Many are afraid that the government is spying on them. Uh huh. Could Mike Adams be creeping along in the cash lane for the Throggs Neck Bridge as we speak? 

(2) It is quite obvious that there is little or no science here. I merely used the term to justify my paltry salary. You know it. I know it.

(3) And failed miserably. But there is both bad news and good news. Bad: The Yankees could have come to the plate with Q-Tips instead of bats and the result would have been the same. Maybe the worst display of hitting ever? Good News (and I think I beat Elon to this one): Unlimited, sustainable wind power! Let's ditch that nasty coal, oil, gas, nuclear. The solution has been staring us right in the face, courtesy of the Houston Astros' pitching staff. 

Aaron Judge. Love the guy but his bat needs to actually make contact with the ball WAY more often.