'Let Them Eat Aspirin' - Jeff Sessions' Painfully Ignorant Remarks

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Isn't it just wonderful when public officials do your job for you? I could have spent weeks researching the magnitude of AG Jeff Sessions' unabashed ignorance. Fortunately, all he had to do was open his mouth. Saved me a ton of work.

"I am operating on the assumption that this country prescribes too many opioids."

Jeff Sessions, 2/7/18

To be fair, I suppose he could be right. But, just for the sake of completeness, one ought to consider all three possible "assumptions." Here they are:

  1. Too many opioids are prescribed
  2. Two few opioids are being prescribed
  3. Just the right number of opioids are being prescribed

Let's take a few liberties with the math. Since a sardine has a 33% chance of getting this right it is not unfair to award Sessions a .333 batting average here. But that number drops plenty fast with every remark, as you shall see.

“People need to take some aspirin sometimes and tough it out a little.”

Hell yeah! That's what we need to be, tougher. So, why stop there? People sure were tough prior to general anesthesia. They got a belt of whiskey and another belt to bite down when a limb was being amputated. Didn't feel so good, but damn, they sure were tough. 

Sessions just loves former Marine Gen. John Kelly, the White House chief of staff. So much so that he took the trouble to jokingly imitate Kelly, who recently chose not to take painkillers after a minor procedure:

"‘I’m not taking any drugs ...“But, I mean, a lot of people — you can get through these things.”

I have a better idea. Next time Sessions gets a colonoscopy he should be fully alert and conscious throughout the whole thing. Then we'll see how badass he is. And aren't you curious if Kelly espoused such a philosophy to his Marines who came back from Iraq with their legs blown off?


"[Opioid pills] become so addictive... The DEA said that a huge percentage of the heroin addictions starts with prescriptions. That may be an exaggerated number — they had it as high as 80 percent."

Even though whatever comes out of this idiot's mouth isn't really worth rebutting, let's do it anyhow. Long-term pain patients who must use opioid drugs become addicted about 1% of the time. Maybe even less. I don't know what that number becomes when they get cut off from their pain meds. It is not uncommon for victims of such barbarism to have no choice but to try to switch to street heroin/fentanyl, and we all know what happens then. Take that! That'll show you candy asses what happens when you're not badass to tough out lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, or ankylosing spondylitis.  

No, Jeff. You don't "just take an aspirin" for bad pain. It doesn't take much to turn your stomach into cheesecloth or blow up your kidneys, and it just doesn't work well enough. If you really believe that this is a good idea, then all I can say is that the top law enforcement official in this country is dangerously ignorant, as is reflected in his final batting average of .000. Pretty much like the Yankees in the ALCS last year. 

Marie Antoinette and her head parted company for a similar remark a couple of centuries ago. But we are a much kinder, more civilized society today, right? So I'll propose something that will be just as effective but not nearly as cruel. That's Sessions' job.