Amazon Cuts Off the Sale of Home Circumcision Kits

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It's hard to feel a lot of love for Amazon right now. It used to be a great company. But it's a little disturbing that the retail giant is cutting its inventory. You can no longer buy a circumcision practice kit in Britain! What's next?

 I'm not feeling a lot of love for Amazon right now. Used to be a great company. You could buy anything that your heart desired, and the next thing you know, it's right at your door. So I'm finding it more than a little disturbing that the company is cutting its inventory. And it's not just anything. At least one of the products that the company will no longer sell is not only essential but also an intricate part of our everyday daily lives. This isn't funny. Real people are going to suffer.

 

For example, if you live in the UK you will no longer be able to purchase circumcision training kits online. No, I'm not kidding. This is unconscionable by any measure. A new "cuttage industry" springs up only to watch itself get foreskinned alive by a behemoth. No matter how you slice it, this is just plain wrong.

The British will no longer be able to purchase circumcision kits online. Everyone, please stay calm. We'll all get through this. Somehow. Photo: CafeMom

In case you're thinking "whew - that's awful, but at least it doesn't involve me," don't get too comfortable. Other changes are in the works. You might not be so lucky next time.

For example, a simple operation to remove your appendix can run as high as $180,000. Even with decent insurance, the co-pay is gonna be a bitch. Fortunately, a clever inventor, entrepreneur, and crustacean aficionado came up with a home DIY device no home should go without. For those of us who barely squeak by on our meager salaries, just think of how much money can be saved! 

Bonco's Append-o-Matic. Designed for thrifty healthcare consumers everywhere. Please consult safety instructions before using. 

Yet, this item may be the victim of heavy lobbying by the alternative medicine industry. Although this is, at best, an unfounded rumor, it appears that certain individuals, despite their otherwise-spotless images may be operating behind the scenes to bring an end to online sales of the Append-o-Matic. Can this be true???

David Avocado Wolfe. Is he an Append-o-Matic hater? Photo: tfrnorthcyprus

OK, there are some who have questioned Wolfe's integrity and sanity, but how about Joe Mercola? Now, there's a name that is above reproach. For a roach. Surely Big Dough Joe wouldn't lead you astray about such a critical health issue, right? Maybe not.

"A mixture of beets, cucumber and carrot juice may be helpful for patients with appendicitis."

Joe Mercola, Internet Huckster

"Appendicitis Remedies and Treatment: How to Address This Painful Ailment" (Mercola website)

Well, that is certainly disturbing. Joe not only dismisses the Append-o-Matic out of hand but also makes us wonder why appendicitis victims have been subjecting their bodies to unnecessary trauma for centuries when the could have just had a V8. After all, beet/cucumber/carrot juice MAY be helpful for patients with appendicitis.

At the risk of sounding ungracious, I have my own opinion.

A mixture of eyebrow tweezers, mayonnaise, and uranium hexafluoride MAY be helpful for patients with appendicitis.

Josh Bloom, ACSH

It doesn't take much imagination to figure out what's going down next. Amazon, which has already shown the absence of a spine or a conscience by depriving us of circumcision training kits, is sure as hell gonna pull the plug on the Append-o-Matic as well, leaving us with only three imperfect choices:

  1. Go to the Western-medicine-practicing doctor. 
  2. Make a stupid face and eat birdseed
  3. Have a V8

Please don't shoot the messenger, because it gets worse. Much worse.

Just when you thought that you might be able to have a smidgeon of control over your own health, this happens: Amazon may next deprive you of the opportunity to preserve your cash and dignity. Sadly, it looks like the Rectum-Master 500-A Home Colonoscopy Suite® will no longer be available for your personal anus for much longer. (Don't worry - you can always wait for 12 years and get one in Canada). 

 

The Rectum-Master 500A Home Colonoscopy Suite®. Just like you on your prep day, they're going fast.

Well, if you're wondering what other staples may become suddenly absent from your life you've come to the right place. We at the American Council have our ears to the ground. So you heard it here first. If you follow us regularly, you could have hit the Internet fast and owned one of the last of these vanishing treasures. 

Or, you could get your science from Mother Jones instead.