Sustainable Condoms And Other Consumer Atrocities

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We really *have* lost our minds. There is no longer any doubt. 

The title is real. Yes, there really is such a thing as a sustainable condom. And they have other wonderful attributes!  "Sustainable Condoms - Vegan, Natural, Fair Trade." Damn.

For any number of reasons, I have no intention whatsoever of evaluating such a product, let alone spending any time researching it. But if you do, I'm asking a favor. Please. If the idea is that you turn the damn things inside out when you're done, and reuse them I don't want to know about it.

Perhaps the late, great James Brown was onto something in 1967:










Is this is an example of a non-sustainable condom?


Perhaps worse is vegan dog food, which is sold by V-Dog—"For pooch and planet." Maybe I'm a incorrigible cynic, but I have a real problem believing that this dog is going to be all that ecstatic about eating kale. least, based on the innate behavior of his non-sustainable, earth-unfriendly ancestors:

Then there's this:

"Long wave night lighting which subtly illuminates room for safe navigation while minimizing sleep disruption," which can be found in select franchises of Hotel Neurotic (aka Stay Well Rooms) across the nation. So, now $2 night lights have been replaced by navigational instruments that gently guide you along the treacherous path from your bed to the bathroom at night, and you don't even have to wake up to pee!

Imagine if Magellan had access to such technology in 1519. Although history books maintain correctly that he was the first man to circumnavigate the earth, what they don't tell you is that this was never his intention:

Imagine if he had one of these. Cleveland could have been discovered three centuries earlier. The Renaissance could have begun on a different continent!


Ohuhu Ocean Wave Night Light Projector and Music Player- Too bad Magellan didn't have one.

Finally, it would be wrong not to go through this wretched exercise and not mention Puma. The company plans to save the planet with its new InCyte brand of sneakers, which, it would seem, you can eat after they wear out:

"the product is compostable and can be turned into biological nutrients"

Puma's “InCycle” Line of Cradle-to-Cradle Apparel, Footwear

On the surface, it would seem that eating your sneakers is not such a wonderful idea, but consider an alternative, courtesy of another company that tried to save the planet: Chipotle. The company decided to remove all ingredients that were made using GM technology from its products. This didn't go over too well, because shortly thereafter they were in the news constantly because of multiple cases of food poisoning all around the country, something I pointed out somewhat harshly in Chipotle Takes The Stairway To Heavin'

Which brings up the obvious question—which would you eat? Puma shoes, Chipotle sofritas, or an unrefrigerated goat head? Ask Earl.

At least Earl made an earth-friendly choice by recycling his lunch, but at this time it remains unclear which type of condom he uses.