Anyone want to be smarter? Clearly, there's a need; otherwise, I wouldn't have written an article called "Drowning in Morons" in 2020. Perhaps there's a solution. A company is selling a dietary supplement called Smart Drops, which don't just make you smarter but also increase your libido, treat your arthritis, and improve your athletic performance. Believable? Not so much. And let's not forget a Bigfoot spotting - in an MRI facility.
The dietary supplement world never sleeps. But why should it? Since the passage of the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act of 1994 companies can pretty much sell you anything they want provided that they use some clever wordsmanship as a disclaimer. Here's how the game is played:
- Put some schmutz in a bottle
- Design the label. Be as creative as possible.
- Make whatever claims you're in the mood to make. Surefire winners include more energy, better sleep, weight loss, reduction in inflammation, and, quite commonly, a bigger and better functioning wiener. No, I'm not kidding.
Mr. Man gives you maximum size and strength. This could come in handy in case you ever lose your ball peen hammer.
4. Make sure to add user testimonials! For example:
"After 2 pills I was able to go water skiing! Without the rope!"
5. Get it listed on Amazon
6. Rinse, and repeat.
Today's entry – "Smart Drops – is brought to you by the fine folks at Apetropics. If their website doesn't inspire confidence, what does?
The Apetropic website. It doesn't identify these individuals. Perhaps the director of R&D and CFO? Just a guess.
Given that Apetropic is making a pretty serious claim – that its product will make you smarter – it is not unreasonable that we take a look at the ethical standards of the company. Let's start with this "Public health report from 11/9/23." Looks pretty respectable, right?
Apetropic's news report includes a wealth of information:
- An updated public health report
- The information that this product is now prescription-free. Does this not imply that at one time Smart Drops were prescription drugs?
- The article was written by Michael J. Smith, a real health journalist.
- The company is engaged with typical social media platforms.
I'd say this looks pretty good!
Never mind. Then I saw this. WAY down at the bottom. You have to scroll for two weeks to get there.
Maybe even worse is the following, again courtesy of Michael J. Smith, the real health journalist.
What is "Liquid Adderall?" It's the same stuff (and almost an identical ad) as Smart Drops. There is no link to Michael J. Smith, whoever he is.
Uh oh. Maybe these guys aren't so ethical after all. Trying to pass off sleazebag promos as a legitimate news article? Sort of makes you wonder about the rest of their claims. Like this one:
Whether you're looking for a way to enhance your athletic performance, improve your mental clarity and focus, or simply feel better day-to-day, this is the perfect product.
The company shows two undefined scans, implying that Smart Drops do wonderful things to your brain. But there is no information about them. What kind of scans are these? Where did they come from? What do the "results" mean? Are these scans from the same human who was scanned before and after sucking down some Smart Drops? (You can bet your entire pension that they are not.) Are they from a human at all or maybe a flying squirrel? Maybe even Bigfoot? The similarity in skull dimension is eye-opening!
Was Bigfoot spotted in an imaging center? Free image: Deviant Art
Seriously, if these guys toss in images like these, implying that a few drops of stuff convert you from someone in a permanent coma to Einstein's smarter brother, without any evidence that this is real then the sleaze level goes off-scale.
What's in the bottle?
Given the level of trickery we've seen so far perhaps it doesn't matter what's in there. Nonetheless, from the "public health report":
Organic Lion's Mane
repairs nerve damage in the brain from use of alcohol, drugs, diabetes, and more by increasing nerve growth factor (NGF) in the brain, lighting up important brain receptors. This is how your brain goes from aging and declining to young and blooming again.
Organic Reishi
exceptionally useful when mental and emotional problems arise during stressful times... a way to feel more “grounded”... Boosts a stressed-out immune system and energy levels to help you feel happier with your life.
Organic Chaga
reduces inflammation, pain and swelling... Aids in memory loss while boosting cognitive function for more rapid learning and “higher brain function”. Alleviates arthritis and joint pain.
Organic Turkey Tail
packed with Antioxidants that fight off illness and disease... promotes immunity by both activating and inhibiting specific types of immune cells and by suppressing inflammation. Also great for gut health!
And finally...
Organic Cordyceps
a true brain-booster used to safely and effectively stimulate both energy levels and libido... Enhancing memory and sexual function and reduces fatigue associated with stress.
(Note: If Cordyceps rings a bell you're probably a fan of The Last of Us, a huge hit series by HBO.)
Perhaps this guy overdid it with the Smart Drops. He does not look like he has enhanced libido, memory, sexual function, and reduced fatigue associated with stress. Photo: Etsy
What's in the bottle? Does anyone care?
I don't, and it's not worth my time to look it up. Why?
Apetropic makes claims that Smart Drops repairs brain nerve damage caused by alcohol, drugs, and diabetes, boosts athletic performance, memory, cognitive function, libido, and your immune system, and reduces arthritis, pain, and inflammation. Damn! That's a lot of claims. Show me a single drug in the galaxy that actually does all of this. Good luck in your search. Perhaps a better question is whether any of them are legitimate or is the American public being exposed to yet another "turkey tale?" Don't forget to check the very bottom of the "Public Health Report."
That's a claim you can believe.
