Worried About World Cup Germs? Try a Knicks Watch Party

The New York Knicks have not won a championship since 1973, when Walt (Clyde) Frazier, arguably the greatest Knick ever, led them to a five-game obliteration of Wilt Chamberlain's LA Lakers. 

The few of us who are still alive remember that day as if it were...53 years ago. Now, if the refs allow it [1], Jalen Brunson and his crew are two games away from ending this pathetically long drought.

At roughly the same time, the World Cup will bring millions of visitors to 16 cities (including New York) in three countries, prompting concerns that communicable diseases could spread through crowded stadiums, bars, airports, trains, and public transportation systems. New Yorkers know this phenomenon by another name: rush hour in the subway, where having someone's tongue in your ear isn't considered poor etiquette.

So, the question is: Which is riskier to your health: Knicks watch parties or the World Cup?

The case for New York

Although it is impossible to get an accurate count, the number of people watching the games on the streets of New York is probably in the tens of thousands, many of whom are packed into small areas, for example, on 31st Street outside Madison Square. This has generated some controversy as New York officials are trying to limit crowd sizes, and not everyone is happy:

"NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani and NYPD Police Commissioner Jessica Tisch [are] "New York City's biggest party poopers."

Madison Square Garden Sports Corp. 

Speaking of poop...

The crowd on 31st Street was so dense that it would be difficult to stuff a playing card in there. This begs the question: Where does one relieve oneself? Let's do some math.

Assuming 5,000 people trapped for five hours, it is a mathematical certainty that most of them will have to pee, probably more than once. [2] What to do? Finding a public restroom in New York is a lost art. Even the public restrooms have signs saying "No Restrooms Available." Even if you could navigate through the crowd and get to Penn Station, the "Plum Island of Manhattan," it's gonna be foul. So, I think it's safe to say that some "bladder emptying events" are gonna be common. And in a crowd that size, someone's gonna have to drop a deuce (not Miles McBride). Think "open-air Petri dish."

(And there are other risks. Former Knicks guard J.R. Smith was pushed to the ground by Knicks revelers in the 76ers series, marking the first time he ever played defense.)

MetLife Stadium, aka New York New Jersey Stadium

Although the soccer matches will be played in East Rutherford, NJ, they're still a "New York event," just like Jets and Giants games. Now we're looking at a different biological obstacle: getting there. Your choices aren't great.

Public transit isn't exactly wonderful. It's called New Jersey Transit, and it's neither fast nor especially sanitary. 

New Jersey Transit. The train of pain.

World Cup fans who choose to drive to MetLife Stadium will encounter one of North Jersey's most celebrated landmarks: the Vince Lombardi Service Area, aka "The Vince," a facility that has spent decades testing the limits of what can legally be called a restroom. 

"The Vince" in all its splendor

Will the Vince pose a threat to public health? Under FOIA, I was able to obtain the men's custodial checklist. Judge for yourself.

Who wins? Hard to say. The World Cup has scale. Knicks watch parties have density. Epidemiologists can argue over the winner. As for basketball, the Knicks should win, that is, if Karl Anthony Towns doesn't get called for a foul every time he breathes on Victor Wembanyama. 

For game 4, take the Knicks minus 1.5 points. 

NOTES:

[1] In the third quarter, the Spurs shot 24 foul shots. The Knicks shot 8. The preference for San Antonio has been blatant. 

[2] ChatGPT says that there will be 8.3 urinary events if 5,000 people are in attendance for 5 hours.