The J-Man Chronicles: Dude Wipes and the Demise of Diet Soda

Ready for some serious idiocy? Hope so because a new feature, The J-Man Chronicles – a demented version of Chuck Dinerstein's "What I'm Reading" – was designed with idiocy in mind. This week it's oversized arse wipes and used (but returnable) diet soda. Don't blame me.











1. The Demise of Diet Soda

Apparently, the "Diet" in diet soda has become dépassé. Soft drink manufacturers have ensured this in a number of ways. Why? Gen Zs and Millenials don't like the word "diet." Poor babies! What to do? Change the word. Or the container. Stupid, right?


Fortunately, with the proper equipment, you can still determine whether you're still buying a yummy Diet Coke, but Coke sure is trying hard to obscure this (left). On the right is good old "honest" Diet Coke. A critical moment in global history if ever there were one.

Although Coke has fired the latest anti-diet salvo, this concept is not new. In fact, it began so long ago that some soda cans are antiques. With value!

For example, this eBay listing, a study in madness in its own right, may well make it into 20th-century history books. Or Mad Magazine. It's worth a look!

Here's a splendid (not Splenda) idea. For [some reason or other] there seems to be a market for "Vintage Rare Sprite," which clearly has no sugar. You can purchase one (sealed) can for a mere $25, but read the fine print. Although it is used (for what?) you can return it (???) if unsatisfied. This may be because some kind of slobber worked its way into the can over the decades, but how will you know unless you open the stupid thing? Makes no sense, just like the title, which advertises it as "Coca-Cola." Although I guess it could be worse...

These two finished neck-in-neck in most consumer preference surveys. Image: Clean Management

2. Dude Wipes: Wiping away years of gender equality

Although I need to be a little careful here, there is simply no way safe way to suggest that men are superior to women when it comes to the "plop crop," aka "doodie dimension." (At ACSH we typically want to see the evidence before we evaluate claims, but I'll pass here.) But, when three "doods" went on Shark Tank to seek approval from Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban they got it. Dude Wipes (extra large and fragrance-free!) were born. 

Notable feminists such as Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem must be rolling around in their graves (admittedly unlikely since Steinem is still alive) at even the mere suggestion that, after all these years of fighting, women still have not earned the right to have optimally clean anuses, and must instead use inferior products that are now scoffed at by men and their newly sparkling sphincters (1)

Such a shame.

Finally, if only the name of another Dude Wipes product, Dude Bombs, was indicative of the product's ability to handle an even bigger payload we'd be looking at one of the best product names in advertising history. Sadly, this is not the case.

Nope, it's a toilet product. Came up just short of greatness. 


(1) These things are advertised as "flushable," but I wonder. With a sufficiently powered toilet, you could flush a hippopotamus. But as you already know, toilets ain't what they used to be. Mine can handle a sesame seed without issues. After that, you're on your own.