New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio really hates salt. But, we suspect it goes deeper than this. He may be a "condiment bigot." Possibly even a mustard hater, or an anti-mustite.
Like we don't have enough problems in New York City? It costs three grand to rent a barely-decent apartment. And for $2.75 you get two mass transit choices: The subway, where you may or may not get vomited on, or the crosstown bus, which averages 3.5 mph — roughly the speed of a bulldozer being pulled by an arthritic poodle.
We have something called the Cross Bronx Expressway, which is a hybrid of a Mad Max movie and the parking lot at Home Depot on a Saturday afternoon. And, to get to it, you have the privilege of waiting up to two hours in New Jersey for the privilege of crossing the George Washington Bridge, where you pay a $15 toll to drive one whole mile.
Our streets do not have potholes. They have short lengths of level road between potholes. We also have LaGuardia Airport, where no plane has ever departed or arrived on time.
And it is not unusual to see pedestrians randomly flying through the air on Broadway after being hit by demonic bicycle delivery guys, who either scrupulously avoid the bike lanes in favor of the sidewalks (you are more likely to find the Hindenburg in a bike lane than a bike), or on rare occasions, actually use the streets, where they interpret a red light as an opportunity to speed up, especially when going against traffic.
So, which of these is the focus of our elected officials? None of them.
We are stuck with a mayor, who doesn't exactly have his priorities straight. All Bill de Blasio cares about is keeping you from eating salt. And he is willing to expend considerable law enforcement resources to make sure you aren't served too much.
And he just got his way, starting June 6, thanks to a bunch of dopes called the Appellate Division of state Supreme Court, who said it was OK. So, he can now fine chain restaurants up to $600 for the heinous crime of putting too much salt on food.
But, it may very well go beyond this.
I maintain that Bill de Blasio is, in fact, a "condiment bigot." And it's not just salt. In my opinion he is also an anti-mustite, and if we don't put our feet down, he will relish the chance to go after other adornments as well.
Rumor has it that he will shortly be creating a new division of the police department, called NYPD-MSG, which will be run by Sergeant Pepper. The Sergeant will not have a lonely heart. He will be joined by other enforcers such as Chairman Mayo, Elvis Parsley, and Anise Joplin(1). Disgraced former city councilman Anthony Weiner will head the "Sauerkraut Task Force," which should make quite an impact, provided that he can stick it out long enough(2).
A five-women civilian panel (The Spice Girls) will make up the Civilian Control Board.
Former State Senator Basil Paterson was supposed to have a big role in this "blintz," but sadly left this planet in 2104, which is a real shame, since he was not only considered to be a really good guy, but also one of a handful of New York State politicians who didn't end up in prison.
Message to Bill de Blasio (henceforth known as "Dill" de Blasio) — please stop. I'm begging you. Since you are obsessed with salt, I'm going to suggest a better outlet for your obsession with the stuff. Anyone who happens to live in Queens will rejoice(3).
(1) So I used a bunch of dead people to serve on a living board. Big deal. You try to find a bunch of living people whose names rhyme with spices.
(2) Weiner's wiener got him in all kinds of trouble.
(3) The residents of Queens have been complaining since the beginning of time that their borough is the last to get its roads plowed. They seem to have a point.