A Bluetooth 'Smart Chastity Belt' For Men is Just Nuts

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Is this the worst product ever, or what? A male "chastity belt" made of hardened steel. It's controlled by Bluetooth (only). No latch. No lock. There is no other way to get it off, except one, which is beyond ghoulish. Worse still, it can be hacked. All you never wanted to know about "The Cellmate."

There was a real head-shaker of a story in Yahoo News yesterday; one I just couldn't ignore, especially since my official title has changed:

Director of Chemical and Pharmaceutical Science and Infantile Humor

This is nothing to take lightly. I lobbied long and hard for this promotion and I intend to show that those who entrusted me with this responsibility rest easy (1). There is a high standard for me to attain: this needs to be tasteless AND stupid. 

The Details

In the "guess what I learned today" lesson, I discovered that there is a device called the Cellmate which is very versatile! It can be used to ensure monogamy and to jazz up your love life; it's touted as a "submission sex play device." The Cellmate "is a cover that clamps on the base of the male genitals with a hardened steel ring." 

The Cellmate. Looks mighty comfortable! Image: Amazon


Let's play "Things I Would Rather Have Clamped to My Nuts!" It's good clean fun! Here is my entry (for those of you who are metaphorically challenged, the package of Planter's Peanuts represents your "cojones.")

Here's my entry:


Mervyn, the bipolar Bayou alligator with anger issues. Original photo: Pixabay

Can you top Mervyn?

Back to the Cellmate. As if having a steel cover clamped to your boys isn't bad enough it gets worse. Cellmate does not have a physical lock and key (or any kind of manual override) to take the damn thing off; it is controlled by an app via Bluetooth. Worse still "security experts" (2) determined that the damn thing can be hacked and then there is no way to remove it other than...

You guys might not want to read this...



Don't say I didn't warn you:

"We discovered that remote attackers could prevent the Bluetooth lock from being opened, permanently locking the user in the device. There is no physical unlock...An angle grinder or other suitable heavy tool would be required to cut the wearer free."

Pen Test Partners, a British security firm


Angle grinder. The origin of the term "I don't think so." Image: Flickr

Perhaps I'm strange, but the thought of having that thing a quarter of an inch from my nads isn't a great choice. So, what to do? 


Images: Wikipedia CommonsFlickr, Wikimedia

C'mon, demented readers. Let's see what you got! Beat this and you will receive a yet-undetermined, worthless prize courtesy of ACSH. 


(1) That's a blatant lie. Right now they are probably hiding under the bed cringing at the thought of me being given the opportunity to talk about steel testicle traps. And well they should since my humor treads the line between merely tasteless and suitable only for the dark web.