Ridiculous Supplements with Ridiculous Names

It's no secret that I'm a supplement skeptic [1]. Thanks to a 1994 federal law, the DSHEA [2], companies, some of which are deeply unethical, are able to sell all kinds of crap. This is regardless of whether the stuff in the bottle does anything useful, is what it says on the bottle, or contains real prescription drugs, the latter being both unethical and illegal. 

Instead of ragging on the industry, which is getting tiresome, I thought that making fun of it would be...well, fun. In particular, some of the names are priceless. And not exactly subtle. 

Here are some that I found to be ridiculous, hilarious, or both. Yes, these things are all real and sold online. Although sexual performance is, predictably, the goldmine of absurd claims and names, there are absurd supplements that fail to treat all sorts of maladies. Let's enter Alice in Supplement Land and see what awaits us. Prepare yourself. 

Male sexual enhancement

The list of products to help Mr. Jumpy is endless, yet the name of this product stood up and out.

• Ejacumax

MaleMax, a company with a not-so-subtle name, offers a product that puts this to shame. Its product, Ejacumax, which can pretty much mean only one thing, takes it a step further with a nuclear blast on the label (for those who are truly clueless). Does it work? The company thinks so. One claim on the label makes for a lovely topic for discourse at a summer church supper.

"Improves the overall quality, taste, and smell of your ejaculate"

Oh my! Given these claims, I'm wondering why it's not routinely found in spice cabinets.

Some reviews from Amazon:

Daniel A., a master of the double entendre, agrees:  "Loads of success." 

Tiffany also gave a review, which oddly concluded: "These pills work great for me!" Huh? Perhaps she didn't read the label.

Some runner-up brand names include: Steel Hard and Ball Refill, and Horny Goat Maxxx. All are about as subtle as a rhino in stilettos.

PMS

Men are not the only targets of the supplement world. Women have some interesting choices as well.

• Bitch Be Gone (Wicked Witch Mojo Candle)

Coventry Creations, which specializes in "spiritual tools that solve everyday problems," cautions us: "Only seven left in stock - order soon," so if you're a woman who likes aromatherapy or simply a terrified husband willing to try anything, you should head to Amazon ASAP before Bitch Be Gone be gone.

Does it work? The reviews are mixed. While some women commented that the candles simply smelled nice, there was a recurring theme that I found puzzling.

Space Coat Girl wrote," Smells fabulous and makes me want to forget the evil man I want to banish."

Bulking up

Amazon sells more than 1,000 supplements for muscle building, so it's nearly impossible to pick out the best name. So I went with...

Psychotic Hellboy

Made by Insane Labz, the product contains a bunch of amino acids, caffeine (of course), and the ever-popular Rauwolfia Vomitoria Extract. If it's not the caffeine that makes this stuff work, I'll eat a plateful of Rauwolfia Vomitoria Extract.

As above, the reviews are entertaining.

Chris (gave it 5 stars) writes, "Seeking a workout that combines the enthusiasm of gym bros with the exhilaration of PCP? Have a scoop, and hold on!" He also adds a quaint update a month later: "Under no circumstances should you trust a fart whilst taking this supplement." This pretty much excludes all you fart-trusting PCP smokers out there.

An unnamed Amazon customer (also 5 stars) offers an intriguing perspective:  It’ll make you want to peel the skin off your face...If you’re into that. Seriously, who isn't?

Estevan Cuevas gave it only one star: "The smell while mixed with the liquid smells like dirty piss." Which begs the question: Would it get 2 stars if it smelled like clean piss?

Finally, a customer named JT William Knoblock would seem to have low standards. He gave it a perfect 5, but added, "If you enjoy feeling as if you went on a 4-day coke binge at 2 in the afternoon." JT may need an intervention.

Bottom line

The world of online supplement sales is a strange place indeed. But if you poke around for a bit, there's some hilarious stuff out there. I only scratched the surface because I am old, out of energy, and unlikely to be trying Pschyotic Hellboy, Electric Monkey Blast, Murder Death Kill, or the vastly understated I AM F*CKED UP. 

And people worry about seed oils and high fructose corn syrup. Oy.

NOTES:

[1] For a few examples, see here, here, and here.

[2]The DSHEA (Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act of 1994) is the law that tells supplement companies, “Go ahead, sell whatever you want — we’ll only get involved after someone grows a third kidney.” It turned the supplement aisle into the Wild West, complete with miracle pills, magic roots, and labels that legally admit they don’t do anything.

[3] Why include a candle as a supplement? There are two reasons: 1) It has the best name of anything I've come across; 2) Essential oils, which are the "active" component of the candles, are used in aromatherapy. They may or may not be considered to be a supplement. This depends on whether they are ingested or have some lame claim about health benefits (yes) or are simply used to make your living room smell like a brothel (no).