ACSH Exclusive: The Annual Report of Santa Claus Unlimited

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Ho, Ho, Ho, etc., etc., etc. Kris Kringle, here, reporting on the State of SCE (Santa Claus Enterprises), including its subsidiaries, KKW (Kris Kringle’s Workshop), the Rudolf’s Bar and Gym Group, and Super Stocking Stuffers, sold exclusively on-circle to our subscribers. 

This Executive Summary is available exclusively to our loyal supporters at ACSH, who have honored us with their support, even without valid science to back up our claims. (We understand we are the only entity that enjoys their endorsement).

Finances:

We are happy to report our finances remain on target. While real estate worldwide has burst from the COVID bubble, we, here at the North Pole, remained unaffected.  Our cash flow situation is also good – as we didn’t traffic in Crypto-currencies, keeping our liquid reserves in maple syrup which is abundant in these parts of town. We have also increased the manufacture of novel products geared to the times (see below), which we anticipate will buffer the acidic rain we were supposed to have.

Those who were “nice.”

The crypto-currency debacle has heaped tzuris [1] on many of Santa’s loyal helpers and supporters. Several crypto companies have entered Chapter 11 (the Hebrew version is “they’ve broken a leg”). Lawyers, benevolent gladiators of the rights of financial stability, have rallied to represent those who suffered charging fees of $2130 an hour. At the usual billing quota of 2000 hours per year, that would equal $4,260,000 yearly. We disavow any responsibility for this endowment, assuming that there must be some political involvement with which we have no connection as a decidedly unpolitical entity (qualifying our workers to head the CDC and FDA).

Santa’s Presents: The manufacture of Krypto-Currants, our latest invention, will be our substitution for crypto-currency. The product is chock full of useful minerals and is tasty and crunchy as well. Like raisins, it has few calories, is healthful, and makes an excellent stocking stuffer.

Those who were “naughty”:

As ACSH’s stellar toxicologist Susan Goldhaber reports, some “naughty” lawyers are claiming autism is caused by lead and arsenic when the rest of us are learning that genes are far more involved in autism causation. Over 100 such lawsuits are now pending. Lawyers bringing these suits will receive nothing, that’s right, nada, zero, unless they can prove – by the appropriate legal standard- that these elements are causally responsible for the condition, which our legal advisors tell us is not bloody likely. As to what that standard is, we have advanced word that ACSH’s legal and bioethics commentator, Dr. Billauer, will soon be writing about that. But, early info doesn’t portend well for these “naughties” – federal cases relating to similar claims raised in the Zantac, antacid litigation causing cancer have been axed due to lack of scientific proof.

Santa’s presents: We, here at Santa’s workshop, believe the only appropriate use for lead is transmutation into gold, and our R&D department is actively working on it. As far as arsenic is concerned, the sole important use we can see is coupled with Old Lace.  As our gift to our readers

 

 

Offensive Litigation:

It has come to our attention that Santa’s monopoly on “transit by chimney” has been infringed by Harry Potter, Muggles, Wizards, and Hogwarts. As flue transport is unequivocally the fastest means to deliver our goods (including Krypto-Currrants), we intend to commence litigation for this invasion of our rights immediately. With the anticipation of garnering an award of four trillion gumdrops for dispensation to the members of our class-action suit, the nice.

(We also offer free “flue-shots” to all our employees, although these are not mandated- and I doubt Hogwarts can match that claim.)

We also intend to bring a legal malpractice claim against our lawyers for failing to advise us to trademark and copyright relevant articles relating to chimney transport and similar spinoffs such as songs and music (e.g., Chim-Chim-Cheree).

Defensive Litigation

We wish to alert all subscribers that we have received notice of litigation for animal abuse, especially spurious claims that we keep Rudolf out in the cold too long, resulting in his red nose. As ACSH has noted, we are steadfastly in favor of animal rights.

In actuality, Rudy’s red nose is purely cosmetic. We use natural, genetically engineered cherry juice for effect. (Natural genetic engineering was pioneered by Gregor Mendel a few hundred years ago. The stuff they make today (those GMOs) is just a speeded-up version.)

Pro Bono Causes
As the venerable and wise Dr. Dinerstein has notedACSH does not subscribe to the position that elevated girth-to-length ratio (G2L, otherwise known as BMI) is always due to hand-to-mouth disease. This position cannot be made strongly enough. Nevertheless, some persist in the naming and shaming practice of maligning those whose G2L ratio is unacceptable by current standards. We do not believe that one standard fits all.

We, therefore, have undertaken to produce a line of year-round clothing, red with white trim, as we believe that anyone wearing such garments would be immune from such shaming attacks. (We also recommend, however, that attempts to reduce the G2L ratio might be beneficial to your health). These uniforms will be manufactured in men’s sizes XXL and up and women’s sizes 20 and up, as our designers informed us they would be aesthetically unappealing in smaller sizes. (We really do not approve of the “skinny Santa” look).

Climate Change

A short word here. We beseech our readership to support research into minimizing global warming and accelerate initiatives to reduce its impact. Just to keep you posted, the water level surrounding our workshop is increasing at rates… Glub… glub. Glub…
 

[1] For those unfamiliar with Yiddish, the amalgamation of German and Hebrew roughly translates as troubles.